|
 |
Toby Laping Associates www.WNYCareManager.com
Eldercare News |
|
You Need To Know . . . When A Loved One Won't Take Your[Good] Advice by Toby F. Laping, Ph.D., C.S.W. “Mother would be so much happier in an assisted living facility. She just won’t move even though she’s so lonely where she lives now.” “Uncle Abe’s doctor isn’t very sharp. How do I get him to see the doc I know is terrific?” “Keeping that house up takes so much energy that dad just doesn’t have.” Sound familiar? We look objectively at someone we love, and we decide that person isn’t making wise choices. How do we get him to listen to us, see the wisdom of our advice, and act on it? A couple of suggestions are in order. I must issue a disclaimer, however, by saying that it’s possible that none of them will work. And, remember that good people can differ on the right plan. Your solution may not be the only right answer. Take a hard look at the present situation. Make sure that it’s really causing the pain or distress that you think it’s creating. It may be that mom isn’t lonely, but that you’re projecting onto her because you would be lonely in her situation. It may also be that mom has more interaction with her friends and neighbors than you think she does. If it’s clear that your concerns are valid and the present situation isn’t good, it can be helpful to recognize why there is such resistance. Often, it’s emotional panic and fear that looks like tubbornness. If we’re not happy, some of us will fear doing anything that could conceivably make us feel worse. Empathize, and remember that empathy is not a lecture or a critique. Tell Mother that if you were in her situation, you’d probably be very frightened of making a major move. Tell her you can imagine how frustrated she must get with your nagging. Speaking feelings outloud and putting yourself in someone else’s shoes can be an effective means of opening conversation and deflating fears. Sometimes it’s possible to try something without making a commitment, and that allows for a compromise. How about an appointment that’s just a consultation with your physician so that the original doctor is still considered the primary. How about eating lunch and spending the afternoon at the assisted living facility for several days in a row so that she can get a real feel for the place. It may help to ask that old question, “What do you have to lose?”. If you’re going to encourage your loved one to try something new and different as a trial, you’ll need to be believed when you say that no permanent commitment will be made, and you’ll discuss the trial when it’s over, giving fair attention to the complaints you’ll probably hear. Then, you must live up to your word or you’ll lose all credibility. The situation is more complicated when you’re trying to impose changes on someone with significant memory loss so that a trial will be forgotten and all change is likely to be resisted as too difficult to comprehend. In that event, your approach must be different. If it’s unequivocally clear that the present situation cannot be allowed to continue for reasons the subject can’t understand, enlist the help of someone outside the family. Can you talk with the original physician and describe your concerns? Perhaps that physician will write a prescription for a consultation. Or, perhaps the marketing person from the facility will write and then call your relative just before the agreed upon date, issuing a special, personal invitation for lunch and a program that would be of interest. That marketer would also have to arrange transportation. If, for unequivocal reasons of basic safety, you must impose a changed lifestyle on a relative, do what you must and can achieve but don’t look for appreciation or willingness to cooperate from your relative. You’ll not get it. In the worst case scenario, when your loved one is making decisions but really lacks the mental capacity to do so, you may need to address the issue legally with an Article 81 guardianship. Avoid that if at all possible. It’s expensive, adversarial, and emotionally painful. |